Understand what triggers you

The best way to learn how to stop being defensive is understanding what triggers you. It can also give you valuable new insights into your own personality, and more importantly, what your personal weaknesses are that can set you off.

Nobody’s perfect. But we should always strive for improvement. Defensiveness isn’t desirable, and it’s a clear sign that we’re self-conscious about something. When we’re feeling certain about ourselves and our actions, then there’s very little reason to get worked up most of the time.

Anticipate your triggers

Anticipating when your triggers might happen or when you’re entering into situations that might set you off can help to control your temper and emotions.

It won’t automatically make you less triggered, but it can aid to lower the intensity of your response because you remain thoughtful and rational instead of becoming irrational and unable of objective reasoning.

Don’t automatically assume the worst

Not everyone’s out to get you. Thus, we shouldn’t always assume the worst. I’m not saying that you should be naive, or that certain people aren’t trying to take advantage of you, because there are malevolent individuals like that inhabiting the world.

But luckily for us, most are quite indifferent, and sometimes even empathic toward the folks they don’t know. As a result, we should try to engage with those around us in good faith by viewing it as a great opportunity to build new relationships along the way.

Don’t take it personally

Getting protective can be the consequence of taking things too personally. Just because someone voices their concerns, criticism, and perhaps even discontent about us doesn’t mean we have to start justifying ourselves. Remaining calm, stoic, and even entirely silent can be the best practice most of the time.

That’s hard to do at times, especially when the very things they’re saying concerns us personally, or when they’re using their words in an attempt to rile us up, or even hurt us. If that’s the case, then we have the right to defend ourselves. But don’t try to justify yourself since they’re most likely trying to get a reaction out of you, and giving them what they want is probable to be used as ammunition to antagonize you even further.

Practice a continuous growth mindset

Apply a continuous growth mindset to keep growing and to prevent yourself from becoming overly shielding. It’s much less likely that you want to defend yourself if you’re viewing everything as a chance to improve rather than an attempt to chastise you.

You’ll learn a lot more, and there’s no telling what kind of improvements you can make to your character and life when truly applying yourself. It’s about creating rather than finding ourselves. And for that, we need to keep evolving constantly.

Be compassionate

Remaining empathic can be a difficult thing to do in a world driven by productivity, materialistic wealth, and fame regardless of what we need to do to accomplish these things.

Yet, it’s vital if we want to keep ourselves from becoming cold and aloof to our own and others’ feelings. And that’s one of the key features that sets us apart from machines who simply operate without the capacity to feel any emotions.

Practice active listening

Active listening is a precious, undervalued skill that everyone should have in their tool kit to deal with people.

You would be surprised how just feeling understood can change the dynamics of interaction between two parties. It makes them so much less likely to criticize and scold you because they feel like you’re trying to learn and listen, while actually trying to help them.

Set boundaries

Even though people are more alike than they are different, we still have wildly differing personalities based on our values, ethics, experiences, and upbringing.

That’s precisely why we have to set boundaries based on what we’re comfortable with, and what’s an absolute no-go. Sure, these bounds should be reasonable, but without the ability to say no and be assertive, others simply can’t respect us because we’re willing to let others walk all over us without retaliating.

These limits will keep you from being overwhelmed and doing things you don’t enjoy and want to do. It’ll suppress you from becoming dissatisfied, vengeful, and bitter in the process. That’s what we need if we wish to be and remain content. And when we’re happy, we’re less inclined to get protective.

Ask how you can aid

Instead of desperately trying to justify yourself, ask how you can help others. It’s much more positive and productive to solve problems rather than creating more difficulties in our existence.

Not to mention that others will be appreciative because you’re lending a helping hand instead of making it all about you and how you’re feeling. We love to feel heard, appreciated, and to be assisted when we’re in a pinch. So don’t be afraid to aid those in need. Just realize that you can’t help everyone out there.

Take responsibility

Taking responsibility is the sign of a mature adult who’s unafraid to take accountability for their own actions. Yet, it’s not something that everyone can, or wishes to do.

Nevertheless, it’s essential to become better since we can’t improve something if we refrain from taking the blame, or seeing that we have some things we need to learn before we can become adept at that given thing.

There’s always something we can do better. And so I urge everyone to take accountability for their own successes, fortune, but also failures and errors to thrive in the future.

Seek out clarifications

Instead of defending yourself from a perceived attack, try to seek out clarifications to figure out where they’re coming from, and to find common ground to work with rather than fueling animosity.

People love being paid attention to. And nothing shows that you’re paying attention than practicing active listening and asking for clarifications to paint a clear picture of the situation.

Fix the concern

Fix the problem they’re dealing with instead of enlarging the already existing issue.

They will be glad their difficulty is dealt with, and you will receive far less hassle since their desires and needs are being met. That’s precisely why you should always think in solutions instead of problems. It’s simply much more productive and constructive to have such an attitude.

Remind yourself of your values

Reminding yourself of your values serves the important purpose of grounding you in reality rather than allowing yourself to get riled up.

Try to be the person you would personally look up to. If you treat others how you would want to be treated yourself, then you have the peace of mind that you carried out all the things you did with the best intentions. That remains true even if things don’t end up panning out the way you wanted to.

See criticism as a chance to grow

There are two main ways to take criticism. One way is to take it as a personal attack that you need to defend yourself against, and the other manner is to take it in stride, and to see it as the perfect opportunity to grow. Just because someone offers constructive criticism doesn’t mean that they dislike us, or want to hurt us.

As a matter of fact, it might be exactly because they love us, and actually want the best for us. Hence, we should cherish and hold on to those who truly want to see us happy, and consequently, want the best for us.

Don’t start criticizing back out of pettiness

Refrain from making painful comments in return, even when someone criticizes you unwarrantedly.

That would simply show how immature we are, and how we couldn’t handle a different perspective. It reeks of insecurity, and exhibits a fragile mental state.

You can calmly state that they’re overstepping their boundaries when they’re crossing the line, but you shouldn’t do the same thing that you dislike others doing to you. You need to be the bigger man. And sometimes, that involves keeping yourself from acting impulsively and harshly.

Remain calm

You shouldn’t let yourself be guided solely by your emotions. Especially not when you’re not emotionally mature enough to recognize that you’re highly irrational and prone to responding subjectively at times.

Listen to reason, and employ your rational thinking. The only way you can manage that feat is if you remain calm instead of getting emotional and heated. Plenty of highly intelligent people have ended up making critical mistakes and failures just because they couldn’t keep a clear head.

Don’t interrupt others

Interrupting others isn’t respectful, appropriate, nor do people typically take it in stride. For some, it can happen unconsciously, and others might have a nasty habit of chiming in when their peers are talking due to being conditioned that way, or because they don’t like sharing the spotlight.

Still, you shouldn’t do that because it’s annoying, and others will be on guard around you if you keep interrupting your peers constantly. Be confident enough to give others room to speak their mind without feeling the need to take the limelight at all times.

Accept other people’s perspectives

Accepting other people’s perspectives is key if you wish to build healthy, long-lasting relationships with other folks.

It also helps to not take things personally, or the wrong way. Everyone has their unique perks and imperfections. Thus, it’s only logical that everyone has their own identity and personality.

You don’t have to agree with other people’s personal view, but what you have to do is accept that what they believe to be true is their reality. Life will go much smoother that way, and you’ll feel less need to defend yourself.

Know your limits

Knowing your limits is always important because nobody likes arrogant folks who overestimate themselves. It also makes you more prone to making mistakes and to fail since you assess yourself poorly.

Others might point out your mistakes, or that you simply don’t live up to the big game you talk yourself up to. Since prideful individuals measure their own abilities wrongly, they’re unlikely to take kind to the evaluation of others. They’re extremely liable to become defensive and justify their actions, no matter how wrong they might be.